Monday, November 29, 2010

Be Still, My Soul

There was a time after I had my little Rachel when I thought that I'd never in a million years have another baby.  I know to many of you that sounds just horrible.  But, it's the truth.  I would replay over and over again the traumatic experience of having Rachel... the fear, the anxiety, the not knowing, the hurt, the awful awful doctor, the big nasty cut across my belly...  I would relive every detail, and it was like I could almost feel it happening again...

But then one night I layed Rachel down in her crib, and just stared at her.  She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  I quickly ran and got Tyler... and together we just gazed at our little miracle. And in that moment, with tear-filled eyes, I turned to Tyler and whispered... "It was all worth it."
Those five words pierced my very soul. They empowered me. It was one of the strongest confirmations of spirit I've ever felt before in my life. And I knew that I would and could do it all over again with the Lords help. I wasn't going to let anything stop me.

As the big day draws closer, I'm beginning to get more and more nervous.  Am I ready for this again?  Can I do this without Tyler holding my hand?... oh I want to squeeze his hand so badly... Then I think of that moment... "It was all worth it."
I remember the peace I felt rush into me after saying those words, and for a moment, my soul is still. 

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last. 


Sutherland Family said...

You go girl! The Lord is definitely on your side. I hope your soul is still as you prepare for a wonderful day tomorrow!

erica said...

You've got this, Jess! I will be thinking about you and praying for you and your baby girl tomorrow! I'm sure Denise will be giving me updates when she comes to visit you and your new little miracle.

Unknown said...

Good luck tomorrow Jessica! You can do it! :) We'll be praying for you and the little one!

Jeni said...

Tomorrow! You can do it, Jess. I am sorry that Tyler can't be there, but I am so very proud of you. You know, you: the amazing woman with a warrior heart who can conquer anything. I'll be praying for you!

Jessica said...

I read your posts and they always bring tears to my eyes Jessica!! Good luck and I can't wait to see pictures of sweet Maggie. Just think, with each day that passes, you are one day closer to Tyler!

Shelley said...

I felt the same way after having a horrible pregnancy/birth with Maddie, but you are right, it really is all worth it. I hope everything goes better for you the second time, you're amazing!