Sunday, January 15, 2017

My Whole World

I turn 30 this year. 
I don't know why but it's been on my mind lately. 30 years old. 
I feel like I'm turning a page on an era of my life that I will never get back. A time of creating and growing a family. As I look back on the past 8 years I can't help but think- I DID IT! 
I did it.
I had four beautiful babies. 
And they are my whole entire world.
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I love being a Mom. 
I love everything about it. 
Even wiping butts.
Yep, I said it. Believe it or don't believe it. 
But those BUTTS are mine! My babies.
And I love those butts. Especially after bath time. :)
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I spend many hours a day cuddling and holding babies. 
If I could get credit for it on my activity app I'd be in outstanding shape! haha.
I love how much my children love me and need me. 
They make we what to be more... more grateful, more loving, more kind, more strong... just MORE.
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When I hear Jake start to cry from waking up from his nap my heart jumps! 
He's UP! 
Time to kiss that fuzzy baby head.
Over and over and over again.
It's a wonder he still has hair.
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My babies make me feel complete.
Like the world keeps spinning and time marches on...
but these babies... these babies right here... they are all that matter.
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Rachel's determined strength and will to be better every day inspires me.
Maggie's fierce ability to take a hit and get up and keep going with a big ole' smile makes me strong.
Luke's playful and kind spirit makes my heart keep pumping.
And Jake... oh Jake... his smile makes my day. Every day.  
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Guys, I had four babies.
To some thats no big deal. 
But for me... it's my greatest accomplishment.
No marathon, competition, PR, skill, talent, or money will EVER surpass this. 
I had four babies.
And they are mine. 
They are mine.
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Every night when I'm finished nursing Jake I rest his head on my breast and cuddle him tight.
This is my time to pray to my Heavenly Father for the day.
This prayer always includes... "Thank you so much for giving me these sweet babies! Help me be the Mom they deserve."
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"I want to share my life with them for all eternity."
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I have many insecurities that I won't go into. I'd say we all do.
But for some reason when I'm holding my babies they all fade away.
I am strong. I am Mama Bear. 
Hear me roar.
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Forever and always---
Mama is my name.
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With a c-section scar, stretch marks, tired eyes, and gained weight... 
I've never felt more beautiful than I do when I look at this picture.
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Believe it or don't believe it...
I knew Rachel was a Rachel Lynn. I knew she'd be just like me. I knew she'd have dark hair and dark eyes.
I knew Maggie was a Maggie Ila. I knew she'd be my peace. I knew she'd have blonde hair and blue eyes.
I knew Luke was a Luke William. I knew he'd be just like his Daddy. I knew he'd have blonde hair and blue eyes.
I knew Jake was my Jake Micheal. I knew he'd take after me (a little more than the middle two). I knew he'd have dark hair and dark eyes.
Ask Tyler.
I called it every time.
Each of my babies visited me in spirt and in dreams before they came to earth.
They picked me. And I picked them.
This I know.
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This crazy life is far from perfect.
Actually I take that back.
It's imperfectly perfect in every way.
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They make me happy.
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Look at what we created!!!! hahahaha!
The messiest creatures I've ever encountered! 
And the cutest.
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Yep. They are mine.  
All mine.
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Tyler and I's motto in the hard, messy times...
just keep loving each other.
Things will work out.
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I remember dreaming and thinking of my future family as a young woman. 
I wondered how many kids I would have... what they would look like and how awesome they would be.
I never in my wildest dreams could have dreamed up something this beautiful.
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My rock.
My support.
My laughter.
My reason.
My man.
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My boys fill a hole in my heart I never knew I had. 
Baby boys where made for Mama bears.
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When I look back on my twenties I think... holy smokes! How did I do that???
And I'll tell you how! 
Prayers, cuddles, cherry cokes, long runs, good friends, family, baby kisses, bedtime stories, movie nights, fun trips, dark chocolate, lifting weights, MY MAN!... and so much more! 
I did it. And this is only the beginning.
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"Hey Jess, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just want to be a Mom.
I want to be Rachel's, Maggie's, Luke's, and Jake's MOM! 
I just want to be a MOM.
Thank you Heavenly Father and Tyler Payne for making me a Mama.
It's all I've never knew I've ever wanted.
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Sunday, January 8, 2017

What Daddies Do Best

Boys need to be roughed up.
They just do. 
They long for it and hope for it! It's the main event of the day!
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As soon as Tyler gets home Jake starts yelling and excitingly looking for Daddy...
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Those Jake eyes...
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I may be good at cuddling and kissing owies... but I will NEVER surpass Daddy's wrestling and fighting skills.
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I just love this picture.
He loves his Daddy.
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MMMmmmmmm.... Babies taste so good.
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Sunday, December 18, 2016

THE Baby

Jake is THE baby of the house. 
THE Baby.
My last baby.
Okay, I'm about to make myself cry. Yes, it is really that easy to make me cry. 
I am a mother. It's what we do.
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My little man!
(6 months)
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I always joke with my kids that the baby of the house is ALWAYS my favorite because babies are the cutest! Now when he grows up the challenge will be... how do I not favor him forever!!!???!!! 
I mean look at him! AHhhhhHHHhhh!!!
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That baby grin! 
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I love how my bookend babies resemble me and the middle babies resemble Tyler. 
Rachel and Jake both have dark hair and dark eyes. Rachel's are definitely dark brown, and Jakes are this deep swampy green that I'm guessing will turn brown eventually. 
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Be still my heart. 
Jake, my baby, I love you more than you'll ever know.
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Sunday, December 11, 2016

Halloween 2016

Well howdy there friends! Guess what? I'm blogging! haha! 
Come to find out having four kids, running a new business, and life is general has knocked me on my back. But here we go! I ain't giving up!

I went to the Disney store back in September. 
Wait, let me back up a bit. Halloween used to always be a stressful time for me. As a young, ambitious mommy I always sought out to create the cutest costumes for my kids. Having four I've learned there are more important things. Like dinner and bath time. hahaha!
Not kidding. 
Anyway, back to the disney store. I walked in... and bought four costumes.
Pocahontas, Maleficent, Buzz, and Woody
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We've been on a Toy Story craze over here! LUKE LOVES BUZZ! 
And I must say he's the cutest one! He pretty much jumps off of everything and yells--- "To infinity and beyond!" It's the cutest. 
And would you look at that Woody! 
He's my favorite deputy! hehe...
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Oh Jake... You're the cutest Woody I ever did see!
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My heart... oh my heart! I love him!!!
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These girls. haha! These costumes sooooo suit them.
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Everything about this picture... The wings, the converse, the lollipop...
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She has been asking to be Maleficent for two years! Finally got it! 
Maggie is my wild child. She loves scary things and all things halloween. 
Her Daddy made her staff... complete with glass ball...
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"Maggie, show me your evil face..."
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So beautiful, and those crazy teeth coming in make me so happy! 
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And my beautiful Pocahontas! 
I can't believe how much she has grown up in the past year. And with the make-up she makes me want to cry. 
Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop!!!!!!!!!
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Those dark brown eyes... Love that Rachel girl! 
And that's a wrap! 
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Saturday, April 23, 2016

Jake Micheal Payne

My baby boy is here! I don't even know where to begin. My feelings are so raw right now I can hardly type without tearing up. Deep breath... here we go...

I guess the perfect place to start is the day before Luke was born. We were at the park with the kids having a great time. I was waddling around rejoicing in the fact that I would soon not be pregnant anymore! We went on a walk as a family and somewhere during that walk Tyler turned to me and said, "This isn't our last one. We've got another boy coming." 
I about slugged him. I told him that was no thing to say to a pregnant lady and the subject was dropped.

But deep down, I knew and felt that it was true. 

And then Luke turned about 18 months and my heart began to swell for another baby. I tried ignoring it for several months, thinking to myself, "Three is just right" and "I never want to go through that depression again". But my heart continued to swell. It said, no Jess. Just NO. You know there's another baby boy waiting for you. Get er done. 

Before we knew it we were pregnant. I remember worrying over the gender over and over again once we found out we were pregnant. One night I was tossing and turning and decided to say a prayer... "Heavenly Father, just let it be a boy. I know it's supposed to be a boy. I know Luke is supposed to have a brother. I don't know if I can do this over again." And BAM!!! BOOM!!! WHACK!!! The spirit told my heart... It's a boy. Now go to bed. And I did. 

Sure enough it was a boy! It took us a long time to decide on a name... first we wanted to name him Ammon. It's a special name to me! And I wanted it so bad! But then it just kept feeling wrong... around month 6 we decided it wasn't right. The name Jake settled on our hearts. Luke and Jake. Big Jake. I thought, it's perfect!!! And it was!!! Middle name you ask? That would be Micheal, after my first best friend, my Daddy. 

Tyler urged me to write down my thoughts in the hospital and handed me the laptop... this is it... 

The night before going to the hospital to have baby Jake was an emotional one. My mind was going in a million different directions.
Four kids???
How am I going to do this?
Will I ever be able to stay on top of life again?
How will the kids, especially Luke, deal with the new baby?
How will I ever love a little boy as much as I love my Lukeman?
Plus a million other little things floating around up in my brain…
My belly was jumping, bouncing, leaping!!! Everywhere!!!
The house was filled with joy, excitement, and anticipation! Everyone knew something big was about to happen. Even my belly.

I asked Tyler to help calm my nerves and give Luke and I both a blessing. Both of which were the sweetest blessings of my life. I knew I didn’t need to worry about Luke anymore, that it would be an adjustment, but that this little brother of his was going to be his best bud for life. I knew that things would go smoothly with my csection. Not just smoothly- but that it would be one of the sweetest and best experience of my life. That knowledge and peace filled me up and hushed my anxiety and worry away.

And it was one of the sweetest, if not THE sweetest of experiences of my entire life. Everything from the IV, to the spinal block, to the recovery, the the amazing people I was blessed to have help me in the hospital has been amazing. I was able to SEE everything that was happening! I saw my baby boy leave my body and come into the world. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! My prayers of nine months were answered when all my requests were answered and they gave my baby to me immediately!
I fell in love.
In one tiny moment, it felt as if my heart filled up my entire body.
Jake was here. And he was mine. And he was perfect.

It was just amazing!!!! Instead of a blue curtain like my previous c sections, it was CLEAR! 
I could see everything. It was perfect. 
They quickly wiped him off and put him on my chest.
One of the best four moments of my life. 
My baby is here.
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So So SOOOOO Happy!!!! 
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The best doctor in the whole wide world. Seriously. An answered prayer. A tender mercy.
I love Dr. Seeker! He got both my boys here safe and sound!
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Blurry but too good not to share. 
I love his little open eyes... He looks happy. 
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In the recovery room cuddling. 
Admiring every little feature. 
Kissing all over that little face. 
In complete awe of our little miracle.
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Oh this man. 
I am so in love with this man. He is my everything. 
Babe!!! We did it!!! Both your boys are here! You were right. 
Thank you for being there every step of the way. 
I love you.
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Jake Micheal!!!! 
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Meeting baby Jake... They were so excited! 
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There he is!!! Your brother!!! 
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I was so worried about my Luke boy. 
I knew that having a new baby would change our relationship and it was breaking my heart. 
And guess what???
Luke was the most excited to meet Jake!!! It was amazing! It was the sweetest thing! 
"My turn????????"
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My baby!!! 
(I guess I'll share with you Luke...)
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Kisses for the baby. 
Y'all, he doesn't even kiss me!!! 
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Payne family of SIX!!!!! 
Welcome to the family 
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