Sunday, January 15, 2017

My Whole World

I turn 30 this year. 
I don't know why but it's been on my mind lately. 30 years old. 
I feel like I'm turning a page on an era of my life that I will never get back. A time of creating and growing a family. As I look back on the past 8 years I can't help but think- I DID IT! 
I did it.
I had four beautiful babies. 
And they are my whole entire world.
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I love being a Mom. 
I love everything about it. 
Even wiping butts.
Yep, I said it. Believe it or don't believe it. 
But those BUTTS are mine! My babies.
And I love those butts. Especially after bath time. :)
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I spend many hours a day cuddling and holding babies. 
If I could get credit for it on my activity app I'd be in outstanding shape! haha.
I love how much my children love me and need me. 
They make we what to be more... more grateful, more loving, more kind, more strong... just MORE.
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When I hear Jake start to cry from waking up from his nap my heart jumps! 
He's UP! 
Time to kiss that fuzzy baby head.
Over and over and over again.
It's a wonder he still has hair.
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My babies make me feel complete.
Like the world keeps spinning and time marches on...
but these babies... these babies right here... they are all that matter.
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Rachel's determined strength and will to be better every day inspires me.
Maggie's fierce ability to take a hit and get up and keep going with a big ole' smile makes me strong.
Luke's playful and kind spirit makes my heart keep pumping.
And Jake... oh Jake... his smile makes my day. Every day.  
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Guys, I had four babies.
To some thats no big deal. 
But for me... it's my greatest accomplishment.
No marathon, competition, PR, skill, talent, or money will EVER surpass this. 
I had four babies.
And they are mine. 
They are mine.
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Every night when I'm finished nursing Jake I rest his head on my breast and cuddle him tight.
This is my time to pray to my Heavenly Father for the day.
This prayer always includes... "Thank you so much for giving me these sweet babies! Help me be the Mom they deserve."
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"I want to share my life with them for all eternity."
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I have many insecurities that I won't go into. I'd say we all do.
But for some reason when I'm holding my babies they all fade away.
I am strong. I am Mama Bear. 
Hear me roar.
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Forever and always---
Mama is my name.
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With a c-section scar, stretch marks, tired eyes, and gained weight... 
I've never felt more beautiful than I do when I look at this picture.
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Believe it or don't believe it...
I knew Rachel was a Rachel Lynn. I knew she'd be just like me. I knew she'd have dark hair and dark eyes.
I knew Maggie was a Maggie Ila. I knew she'd be my peace. I knew she'd have blonde hair and blue eyes.
I knew Luke was a Luke William. I knew he'd be just like his Daddy. I knew he'd have blonde hair and blue eyes.
I knew Jake was my Jake Micheal. I knew he'd take after me (a little more than the middle two). I knew he'd have dark hair and dark eyes.
Ask Tyler.
I called it every time.
Each of my babies visited me in spirt and in dreams before they came to earth.
They picked me. And I picked them.
This I know.
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This crazy life is far from perfect.
Actually I take that back.
It's imperfectly perfect in every way.
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They make me happy.
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Look at what we created!!!! hahahaha!
The messiest creatures I've ever encountered! 
And the cutest.
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Yep. They are mine.  
All mine.
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Tyler and I's motto in the hard, messy times...
just keep loving each other.
Things will work out.
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I remember dreaming and thinking of my future family as a young woman. 
I wondered how many kids I would have... what they would look like and how awesome they would be.
I never in my wildest dreams could have dreamed up something this beautiful.
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My rock.
My support.
My laughter.
My reason.
My man.
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My boys fill a hole in my heart I never knew I had. 
Baby boys where made for Mama bears.
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When I look back on my twenties I think... holy smokes! How did I do that???
And I'll tell you how! 
Prayers, cuddles, cherry cokes, long runs, good friends, family, baby kisses, bedtime stories, movie nights, fun trips, dark chocolate, lifting weights, MY MAN!... and so much more! 
I did it. And this is only the beginning.
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"Hey Jess, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
...
...
...
"A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just want to be a Mom.
I want to be Rachel's, Maggie's, Luke's, and Jake's MOM! 
I just want to be a MOM.
Thank you Heavenly Father and Tyler Payne for making me a Mama.
It's all I've never knew I've ever wanted.
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2 comments:

Holly Larson said...

This is so amazing! Everytime I read your blog I am inspired to be a better mom! Thanks for always being such a great example. You truly are blessed.

Josh and Denise said...

Oh, Jess Payne. You have taught me how to love the little things in parenting. I don't hate wiping butts either…except for those really nasty poos…but still. Thanks for writing. You are wonderful. Seriously. I'm pretty sure you could be one of those people who end up blogging for a living because complete strangers would happily read your words…and enjoy pictures of those beautiful kids.