Saturday, February 12, 2011

as natural as the blink of a eye...

 Last night I went out to dinner with my parents and my Aunt Tricia. It was a great evening filled with good conversation and some laughs. I love talking with my Aunt Tricia. As we were waiting for a table a familiar face caught my eye. It was a face that I recognized from high school... oh dear.  She was a person I was never close with. She was one of  "those" girls. You know the ones; the popular girls. Not that I wasn't popular or anything... Ha! :) I don't know why but as soon as I saw her I pretended that I hadn't seen her. It felt as natural and involuntary to me as blinking an eye.  I saw her trendy outfit, her long silky hair, and cute skinny body and I automatically felt embarrassed. All my insecurities began to fill my head.  How would I look to her?  I was in my normal getup of jeans, t-shirt, and chucks with about 20 lbs. to lose and spit-up residue on my shoulder.  I had a disobedient 2 year old that I had to take outside for a "talkin to", and a brand new baby with no husband around (Tyler left for Drill this weekend). I straightened my jacket and redid my ponytail, and finally our name got called. Whew. 

I had forgotten all about it as we sat down and ordered our food. Then, of course Maggie got hungry as soon as the food arrived. Nursing in public is still something I am uncomfortable doing, especially in the middle of a crowded room, but nevertheless I got out my nursing cover and proceeded to get Maggie situated when I saw her again.  She was sitting at the table across from ours.  Right as those insecurities began to rush back into my mind, they suddenly came to a halting stop. I looked over at my messy toddler and then down at my sweet baby and suddenly remembered something.  I am JESS PAYNE gosh dang it. I thought of how happy my life is.  I thought about how much I love being a wife and mother, and of all the things that I have accomplished since I has 17 years old. All of the sudden I felt like I didn't have to prove anything to anybody. I felt my Saviors love. Those feelings rushed into me as quickly has the previous ones.  They felt as natural and involuntary to me as the blink of an eye. 

It made me think of something Sister Hinckley said:
"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives.  We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are."

I just love Sister Hinckley.  She makes me feel as if she is my oldest and dearest friend.  I think she tends to have that effect on people. I still have a lot learn when it comes to simplifying, but I'm getting better. All I want is to be content with what I am.  Don't we all? 

baby steps. 


Megan said...

Jessica...I just loved that post! I have had those thoughts too. I want to bookmark this post for the days that feel those insecurities start surfacing...I am so glad you shared!

Unknown said...
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Unknown said...

I want to bookmark it too! Thanks for writing this :) By the way, where do you get quotes from Sister Hinckley? She's amazing, but I never know where to find quotes from her. I do have a book from her that's letters written throughout her life, which is really good and I think you'd really like it.

Tyler and Jess said...

Thanks ya'll! It always means a lot when I get comments like these. I can't tell you how many times I thought about deleteing this post. Glad I didn't.
Heather- she has a little book of quotes called "Small and Simple Things"... so good. And I think I really would like a book of letters like that! Does it have a title?