howdy from the paynes: Jake Micheal Payne

My baby boy is here! I don't even know where to begin. My feelings are so raw right now I can hardly type without tearing up. Deep breath... here we go...

I guess the perfect place to start is the day before Luke was born. We were at the park with the kids having a great time. I was waddling around rejoicing in the fact that I would soon not be pregnant anymore! We went on a walk as a family and somewhere during that walk Tyler turned to me and said, "This isn't our last one. We've got another boy coming."

I about slugged him. I told him that was no thing to say to a pregnant lady and the subject was dropped.

But deep down, I knew and felt that it was true.

And then Luke turned about 18 months and my heart began to swell for another baby. I tried ignoring it for several months, thinking to myself, "Three is just right" and "I never want to go through that depression again". But my heart continued to swell. It said, no Jess. Just NO. You know there's another baby boy waiting for you. Get er done.

Before we knew it we were pregnant. I remember worrying over the gender over and over again once we found out we were pregnant. One night I was tossing and turning and decided to say a prayer... "Heavenly Father, just let it be a boy. I know it's supposed to be a boy. I know Luke is supposed to have a brother. I don't know if I can do this over again." And BAM!!! BOOM!!! WHACK!!! The spirit told my heart... It's a boy. Now go to bed. And I did.

Sure enough it was a boy! It took us a long time to decide on a name... first we wanted to name him Ammon. It's a special name to me! And I wanted it so bad! But then it just kept feeling wrong... around month 6 we decided it wasn't right. The name Jake settled on our hearts. Luke and Jake. Big Jake. I thought, it's perfect!!! And it was!!! Middle name you ask? That would be Micheal, after my first best friend, my Daddy.

Tyler urged me to write down my thoughts in the hospital and handed me the laptop... this is it...

The night before going to the hospital to have baby Jake was an emotional one. My mind was going in a million different directions.

Four kids???

How am I going to do this?

Will I ever be able to stay on top of life again?

How will the kids, especially Luke, deal with the new baby?

How will I ever love a little boy as much as I love my Lukeman?

Plus a million other little things floating around up in my brain…

My belly was jumping, bouncing, leaping!!! Everywhere!!!

The house was filled with joy, excitement, and anticipation! Everyone knew something big was about to happen. Even my belly.

I asked Tyler to help calm my nerves and give Luke and I both a blessing. Both of which were the sweetest blessings of my life. I knew I didn’t need to worry about Luke anymore, that it would be an adjustment, but that this little brother of his was going to be his best bud for life. I knew that things would go smoothly with my csection. Not just smoothly- but that it would be one of the sweetest and best experience of my life. That knowledge and peace filled me up and hushed my anxiety and worry away.

And it was one of the sweetest, if not THE sweetest of experiences of my entire life. Everything from the IV, to the spinal block, to the recovery, the the amazing people I was blessed to have help me in the hospital has been amazing. I was able to SEE everything that was happening! I saw my baby boy leave my body and come into the world. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! My prayers of nine months were answered when all my requests were answered and they gave my baby to me immediately!

I fell in love.

In one tiny moment, it felt as if my heart filled up my entire body.

Jake was here. And he was mine. And he was perfect.

It was just amazing!!!! Instead of a blue curtain like my previous c sections, it was CLEAR!

I could see everything. It was perfect.

They quickly wiped him off and put him on my chest.

One of the best four moments of my life.

My baby is here.